The Deep Lake
Silence, Silence and more silence I looked down at my orange pajama top and sighed. The rumble of thunder made me shiver. I heard Amber’s voice in my head:
“Don’t do it Lilly you’ll drown”,
I took a deep breath and jumped into the ice cold lake and swam as fast as I could to reach the end where the Owl King was holding Amber captive. The rain water and the wind made it feel like I was in the sea but I kept on swimming as if my life depended on it (it kinda did). Amber was at the end I had to keep swimming.
“Don’t do it Lilly you’ll drown”,
I took a deep breath and jumped into the ice cold lake and swam as fast as I could to reach the end where the Owl King was holding Amber captive. The rain water and the wind made it feel like I was in the sea but I kept on swimming as if my life depended on it (it kinda did). Amber was at the end I had to keep swimming.
Hello Hannah,
ReplyDeleteyour 100 word challenge was FABULOUS! You used ALL of this weeks words, which is quite rare if you as me. This is because, people write a random 100 word challenge and then add SOME of th words in then struggle so give up and post it on the 100 word challenge wbsite. Anyway, you have hit MOST of the year six expected standards such as : parrenthesis, inverted commas, colon, commas for clarity and much more AMAZING!
But, you could have used some sentence openers. How about this one?
Original sentnce: I took a deep breath and jumped into the ice cold lake and swam as fast as I could to reach the end where the Owl King was holding Amber captive.
My sentence: Breathing heavily, I lunged myself forwards and hoped I landed in the ice-cold water. So, when I reached the water I swam as fast I could hoping to reach the spot where the Owl King was holding Amber captive before it was too late.
Could you write another one like that?
From Maddi
How about you come and visit my blog?
http://ribbledriveprimary.net/yearsix2015/
Thanks Maddi!
DeleteI did think about doing senticess like that but I only had one more word left as that would make my story a lot shorter.
I will take your advice for next week.
From Hannah
Hi Hannah, Look at the amazing feedback above. How great is it having someone from outside of school and family comment on your work?! I loved your writing. It was so intense and I could see and feel how you were feeling. An impressive job for only 100 words. :) Mum
ReplyDeleteThanks Mum!
DeleteWhen I saw it I thought Gran had commented on it. It was so cool to see other people's opinions.
From Hannah
Hannah this is great! Such good imagery (words making pictures) well done!
ReplyDeleteWell done Hannah. I understand that 100 words can be confining so the more surprising words the better. It may be Thesaurus time.
ReplyDeleteI would not like to be held captive by the Owl King as I imagine his talons would be razor sharp.
I look forward to your next 100 word challenge.