First we talked about what a Narrative needs:
- 1st or 3rd person view
- Beginning. middle, end
- Personification
- Problem
- Solution
- setting
- character
- vocab (who, what, when, where, why)
- connectives (suddenly, therefore, afterwards)
Here is the video:
(Wach untill 1:47 and puse then read my story after that watch the rest of the video)
We had success criteria to follow and then after we had finished the story we assessed it and then we had a peer assess it.
Name Hannah Peer Marker: Ian
Success Criteria - Narrative
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Features of Text
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Student
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Peer
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1st
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My Personal Target/s: ISPACE and Advanced punctuation
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Good with ISPACE
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What I think I did well: I think my beginning was really good and I used lots of describing words
What my partner thinks I’ve done well: Time connectives and phrases
What I think I need to improve next time: I think I could improve on my middle and end, I felt like they weren't the best I could do.
What my partner thinks I need to improve next time: Make a more satisfying ending
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Here is my story:
Puttering of the failing engine distracted my every thought. Sweat dripped from my dust covered forehead onto my goggles and down my cheeks, looking through my binoculars for anything short of a miracle. The golden desert gleamed below me like glowing sun, my plain was dipping up and down. Then I noticed a gleam of light coming from the lighthouse lamp, there it was again. It was pointing at something in the sky. Following the light I looked up at a cloud. I looked at again, hoping I wasn't getting sunstroke but no, there was a cloud. Hope is a magical thing, I was so excited. Turing the plain towards the cloud I started fly to it but then I smelt smoke, looking down at the first engine I gasped, it was smoking and had stopped spinning.
“I can make it to the lighthouse in time” I thought, doing the calculations in my head. Pulling forward the lever. The smoke became more intense, two engines were down! Pushing even harder we hit top speed but then I heard an explosion! Engin three had exploded and we were falling nose first into the sand. Knowing there was nothing more I could do I placed my hands over my head, preparing for impact.
It came, I was jerked up and down in my seat, feeling sick I knew when we had finished, Unclipping my seatbelt I grabbed my plans off the dashboard and my backpack from behind me, running as far away from the plain as I could. BANG! It exploded and the heat hit my back (not that it made much of a difference). Slowly turning my head to see the damage I groaned, it was gonna take weeks to fix. Then the door to the lighthouse opened, a short man stuck his head out. He had light brown skin with grey hair sticking up in angles, he was wearing an old air force vest and green pants. He hopped along with a weird jiggle in his step.
“who are you?” he asked, he had a high voice with a slight crock to it.
“um, hi. Im Kayla. My plane just crashed”
“yes, yes. See that, see that. Let me look, let me look” he said running over to it. I ran after him, not wanting him to break it. “where did you get this junk?”
“I built it” I replied stuffing my papers in my bag
“I can see why you crashed it”
“I didn't plan to crash it”
“yes, yes.” he said turning away from it “my name is Zem”
“Zem?” I said confused by the name
“yes Zem, Zem!”
“ok, ok” I said and before I knew it he had grabbed hold of my hand and dragged me inside the lighthouse.
At the bottom was a small kitchen with a door off the side. Looking up I saw a dizzying set of spiral stairs with a floor in the center then a floor at the top.
“How long have you lived here?” I asked him
“for as long as I have lived here for”
“ok,but how long have you lived here for?”
¨For as long as I have lived here for” he replied
¨so...a long time”
¨yes, yes.”
¨what do you do for food?”
¨I came here long, long time ago with air force. Ate all food we had then when food done I ate the only thing left” I shuddered at the thought of him eating his crew members.
¨air force huh. Can you build? I need help building something”
¨what, what!¨ He said jumping up and down in excitement
¨its this rainmaker” I said passing him the notes. He skimmed them and then became way to excited, grabbing my hand and pulling me up the towering staircase.
In the second floor could have been mistaken as a workshop if not for the bed crammed in the corner.
¨Zem! You have everything in here we need” I exclaimed and we started getting to work.
Maybe this is the Miracle i've been looking for.
(now go back and watch the rest of the video)
I would really like your feedback on what I did well and what I could improve on. I think I used a lot of SPACE and I think I could improve on my ending. Im not particularly proud of this story, I think I could have done a lot better and I didnt really enjoy the video so I think that showed in my story.
